Wise or Otherwise? A Woman’s Walk Through Proverbs
Soul Break Guest Column (First in a series of ten)
December 29, 2011
Scripture for the Day: “...treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding…” Prov. 2:1-2
By Hope Unverzagt; Cataract, WI
For RI Transcription Solutions
Sometimes my lack of wisdom amazes me. I have been known on occasion to do the old V-8 commercial head-knock and exclaim, “I can’t believe I just did that!” Such is the case with my foolishness in the area of unidentifiable substances. I clearly remember several years back, bagging up my groceries at Aldi with about six small children in tow. In the flurry of groceries and bags I noticed I had something sticky on my hand. At that point any normal person would’ve reached for a baby wipe, but not me. Thinking perhaps the substance was from a leaky orange juice can, without a second thought, I licked it. It wasn’t o.j. It was shampoo. I shuddered and spit all the way home. And the most embarrassing part? It wasn’t a one-time occurrence. I’ve done that same thing numerous times since—different substances, but equally unpleasant. I think it all began when I was a youngster and decided the best way to identify the clear, sticky gel that I found on little pieces of paper in Grandma’s pantry was to taste it. That was my first encounter with ant poison. I like to believe my problem is at least partly due to heredity--my dad could recognize many things, including antifreeze, by taste. But I realize my complete disregard for germs and apparent disrespect for poison doesn’t help any either. It’s not that I intend to be foolish; it’s just my first instinct! Thankfully, I’ve suffered no ill effects, just annoying ones.
Some displays of foolishness are far more serious to our lives and to the people around us, though, than a bad aftertaste. Most of us would agree we would prefer not to be in the “fool” category, but if we are honest, we may recognize some of our actions as falling far closer to the fool camp than the wise. But there is good news found right in James 1:5, a Bible verse dear to my heart, probably because I quote it in prayer more often than any other: “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” Sounds easy, doesn’t it?! But what happens next? What does a “wise” life look like? Just as I remind my children that they will be like the people they hang out with, if we women want to be wise, we need to hang out with the wise--better yet, study the writings, or proverbs, of the wisest man who ever lived, King Solomon. A quick glance at the opening lines of the book of Proverbs reveals many appealing phrases: “obtain guidance,” “increase in learning,” “understand words of insight,” “receive instruction in wise dealing,” “inherit honor.” In fact, the list of benefits to be gained from a life of wisdom continues on for several chapters, but the book of Proverbs makes it clear that there is a distinct starting point: “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (Prov. 9:10a). Simply put, there is a limit to the wisdom we can acquire apart from God. So for the next several weeks we will be exploring a wide array of practical topics covered in Proverbs and how they apply to the lives of women—women who already have a relationship with the Lord.
In our family devotions last night, our booklet quoted Charles Swindoll: “Don’t expect wisdom to come into your life like great chunks of rock on a conveyor belt. Wisdom comes privately from God as a byproduct of right decisions, godly reactions, and the application of spiritual principles to daily circumstances.” Sometimes it’s easy to fall prey to the thought that age naturally brings wisdom. It can, to a certain extent; but if God and his principles are not involved, it’s very limited. I remember as a 20-something hearing a man in his 70’s say, “I know that’s what the Bible says, but sometimes you just have to use common sense.” I was shocked to hear such words coming from someone of the age I expected to hear words of wisdom. And, not surprisingly, strife seemed to accompany the man wherever he went.
I don’t know about you, but I need wisdom more than I need just about anything else—in my marriage, parenting, friendships, work, and every other area of my life. I intensely desire to make right decisions, have godly reactions, and apply God’s principles to daily circumstances. I want to grow wiser as I grow older. I want the promise of Proverbs 3:5-6 to be so real to me that I’m not in the least tempted to rest for even a moment in a wisdom of my own making: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.” So how about it? Are you in? Thirty-one chapters in Proverbs, perfect for reading one each day of the month, and January first quickly approaching. What a perfect time to start pursuing wisdom together! Proverbs 24:13-14 says that wisdom is like honey to the soul—good and sweet, and with it comes a future and hope. Sounds way better than shampoo, if you ask me.
Wise or Otherwise? A Woman’s Walk Through Proverbs: You and Your Mouth
Soul Break Guest Column (Second in a series of ten)
Scripture for the Day: “Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.” Proverbs 13:3
By Hope Unverzagt; Cataract, WI
For RI Transcription Solutions
I wish I had been in the third and fourth grade class instead of the adult class the Sunday each student was given a tube of toothpaste and allowed to squirt out the entire contents onto a piece of paper. (I’ve always secretly thought that could be great fun!) The lesson that followed was one my children never forgot: “This pile of toothpaste is like the words that come out of your mouth. Pretend they are hurtful words you wish you hadn’t said. Now try to put them back.” Of course, the students quickly discovered that refilling a toothpaste tube is impossible, just like taking back your words. It was a highly effective visual aid presented by a wise teacher.
I’m sure there is not a single one of us who can honestly say we have never spoken a word we regret. Judging by the number of verses in Proverbs dealing with the mouth, the tongue, and speech in general, it appears that controlling our mouths is a universal problem. There is just no end to the trouble an untamed tongue can cause—from gossip and lying, to separating friends and stirring up anger. And in my case, I not only have to worry about controlling my own tongue, but I have to concern myself with training a whole houseful of them! No wonder that my biggest challenges in parenting pretty much all boil down to matters of the mouth: don’t argue, don’t whine, don’t use bad words, speak kindly, and the words I have repeated so often during the past twenty-two years that they may very well be engraved on my tombstone: “Ask nicely, and you’ll almost always get what you want” (not in regard to material possessions, but more as a paraphrase of Proverbs 16:21 in how to deal effectively with others). Learning to control the tongue, that muscle that NEVER gets tired, is an ongoing battle. So today I would like to suggest a method of distracting our mouths from trouble and steering them in a positive direction. I like to call it Conscientious Encouragement (because encouragement doesn’t come naturally for some of us).
My husband Jonathan has a file cabinet unlike any other. In it he has a humorous file labeled, “People Who Pretend to Be My Friend,” containing pictures of him with numerous famous people he has briefly met, including Ken Ham, founder of Answers in Genesis; Ken Davis, Christian comedian; and Billy Zabka, the bad guy on Karate Kid. But right next to that file is one labeled, “Encouragement File.” In it are letters, cards, and notes of encouragement, some thanking him for a particular sermon and some thanking him for the difference he has made in someone’s life. When he is discouraged, he just has to pull that file, reread some notes, and be encouraged. It’s a great idea. A little encouragement can do wonders. There are also several members of our congregation who are quick to pick up a phone to tell him they have been blessed by a message. Those are the folks talked about in Proverbs 12:18: “…the tongue of the wise brings healing” and Proverbs 25:11: “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.” Fitly spoken words are not only beautiful but worth a fortune! Just think about it. Giving encouragement is like handing out fine jewelry to those around us. Its power is unbelievable. Not only can receiving a word of encouragement entirely turn around a person’s attitude, but it can also change their actions--from mediocre into impressive and from timid into confident. I have personally witnessed a generally slothful child immediately turn into a cleaning machine all because of a few words of praise.
Sadly, I far too often find that the words of praise and encouragement subconsciously floating around in my mind don’t make it out of my mouth. And kind words not spoken (or written)--like the monthly utility payments that never reach the mailbox--just don’t count. That’s why I have placed “Conscientious Encouragement” at the top of my New Year’s focus (it’s not so much a resolution as adopting a whole new way of thinking, one of genuine thankfulness and of looking for the good in others). Yesterday when I handed my three-year-old a snack and she said, “I appreciate when you do that, Mom,” I was encouraged myself, knowing that I must be using the word “appreciate” with my children enough that even my littlest one picked up on it! It’s a small step in the right direction, I figure.
In six months we are expecting an addition to the family, another son. We are thrilled! This one won’t be entering the family as a squalling infant, though, but as a 6’2” husband to my daughter. And with him comes a new title for me…mother-in-law. Admit it. It’s not a complimentary name, most likely thanks to Hollywood
Speak it, write it, text it. Encouragement can be bestowed in a lengthy discourse or a brief three word text: “You’re the best!” It doesn’t take long, and the results are amazing. Make a conscious effort along with me to steer that troublesome tongue in a whole new direction, will you? All the people with encouragement files will thank you.
Wise or Otherwise? A Woman’s Walk Through Proverbs:
You and Your Purse
Soul Break Guest Column (Third in a series of ten)
January 12, 2012
Scripture for the Day: “Honor the Lord with your wealth…” Proverbs 3:9a
By Hope Unverzagt; Cataract, WI
For RI Transcription Solutions
I know money can’t buy happiness, but sometimes it comes close. For nine years the first view of the interior of my house from the front door was a long row of hooks on the opposite wall piled at least three deep with coats. Directly below the mounds of coats were just as many, if not more, pairs of shoes and boots. Unfortunately, the children never fully caught my vision for neat rows of shoes, each shoe standing nicely by its mate under the row of coats. Instead the kids would often kick their shoes in the general direction of the entryway resulting in messy piles of shoes which we would trip over on the way to the front door. It was an ongoing frustration. I desired that my guests’ first impression of my house not involve mountain climbing over shoe mounds. Then one day a brilliant solution hit me: lockers. Not the beige high school hallway kind. Beautiful burgundy-colored ones that would hide all the clutter and keep my entry neat, attractive, and inviting. I measured the area, and searched online for locker companies. Then I measured some more and searched some more. Finally I found the perfect lockers. We all stood watching when the big freight semi pulled up out front and men started hauling long, heavy boxes to my porch. It was a momentous day. We took pictures. Then one of my teenage sons, bless his heart, spent the next six hours assembling burgundy sheets of metal with millions of screws. We took more pictures. Finally the lockers went up. They fit perfectly. The decorative garland I placed on top looked beautiful. My entry problem was completely solved. No more shoes. No more coats. Now, two years later, my entry still looks nice. And if someone has a messy locker, we can’t see it behind those lovely burgundy doors. Our lockers were worth every single penny. Over the years, though, we’ve also wasted many a penny on purchases that weren’t so wonderful. Like the flat hose that looked so incredible on the infomercial and the seal-a-meal apparatus now sitting on the basement shelf. We’ve seen a lot of junk come and go.
The book of Proverbs has a lot to say about money, almost as much as about the tongue, which we focused on last week. And a quick Google search indicates that money is a major, if not the number one, reason for divorce. Money is a big deal. And since God has plenty to say about it, we would be wise to take note. As I see it, there are three main messages. First of all, to get money, you need to work. “In all toil there is profit, but mere talk tends only to poverty.” (Prov. 14:23) At the risk of stating the obvious, let me paraphrase: don’t be lazy. Not a problem for most of us, I’m guessing. The fact that you even have access to this article means that you are employed, and as a mom of eleven children I can only dream of being lazy. The second message is that being in debt to someone is a surefire way to bondage. “The rich rules over the poor, and the borrower is the slave of the lender.” (Prov. 22:7) Any of us who have had to pay back high interest credit card debt can certainly attest to that. The only solution? Pay back the debt as quickly as possible, according to Proverbs 6:1-5. But that’s a whole article in itself. (Not one I would mind writing, though. I have this secret dream that someone would someday come to me seeking budget help. The thought nearly makes me giddy.) But the third message is the one I want to draw our attention to today: there are many things worth far more than money. Just ask the parent of a rebellious teen. Or the lonely wife of a workaholic. Or a child listening to the arguing of parents quickly headed for divorce.
Proverbs says that above riches we should desire integrity (28:6), a good reputation (22:1), a peaceful home (17:1),and righteousness (11:4) while being content with what we have (15:16). And beside that we should be generous both with God (3:9-10) and with others. Proverbs 11:24-25 says: “One gives freely, yet grows all the richer; another withholds what he should give and only suffers want. Whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered.” Goes against all logic, doesn’t it? The more you give away, the less you should have, it would seem. And while we would all agree we should be generous, and may very well have opened our purses and made a thoughtful financial contribution to a worthy cause this past Christmas, or better yet, ongoing contributions throughout the year, we probably all find ourselves at some point wishing we had more money to give. Yet verse 25 does not use the word money, or even riches. It says “blessings.” The New Living Translation states, “…those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed.” If we don’t have loads of money at our disposal, we can still be generous in blessing and refreshing others.
Last spring we had our third homeschool graduation. As always, the week before was filled with frenzy as we cleaned the house, tidied the yard, and prepared food for the 150 or so guests who were sure to attend our open house following the graduation ceremony at church. In the midst of all the busyness I got a call from a friend, a fellow homeschool mom with ten children who lives a few miles away. “Let me know if you need any help. I’m just up the road.” That simple offer lessened my stress considerably. I wonder how many times I thought, “If it gets to be too much, I can always call Tina.” It was such a relief knowing I had help nearby that I ended up never needing to call her at all. That’s offering refreshment. So are the sweet little coupons from my ten-year-old daughter to be redeemed for wonderful foot soaks. And the offer of my sister-in-law to take my five youngest children overnight while the six oldest and my husband were away at a week long convention. And words of encouragement to the frustrated parents, lonely wife, and hurting child. When we give generously of ourselves, we will always find ourselves blessed in return.
Wise or Otherwise? A Woman’s Walk Through Proverbs:
You and Your Friends
Soul Break Guest Column (Fourth in a series of ten)
January 19, 2012
Scripture for the Day: “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.” Proverbs 27:9
By Hope Unverzagt; Cataract, WI
For RI Transcription Solutions
I hear a lot of friend talk at my house. But that’s understandable. I have seven daughters. If it’s not elaborate plans for getting together, it’s some sort of friend problem. And my four boys? I hear almost nothing. They enjoy their friends but rarely, if ever, have any problems. I think it has something to do with how they spend their time with their friends. The boys are generally DOING something—playing a game, working on a project, or watching a movie. The girls are most often talking. And we all know how mouths can cause trouble faster than a two-year-old with a marker, and the damage can be just as permanent. The more words spoken, the greater the chance of committing an offense. Hence, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and cryptic Facebook statuses. Yep, I know all about it. Not that I participate; I just hear about it almost daily. Friends are important to us ladies, and we “mature” ones aren’t entirely immune from friend problems ourselves.
I learned an important lesson a few years ago: just because someone is friendly doesn’t mean they would make a good friend. I had met a woman and had enjoyed several pleasant chats with her. She seemed interested in me, and we had a lot in common. Then one day it occurred to me that her smooth way of conversing was an invitation to divulge personal information. Thankfully I recognized the danger before experiencing any trouble. But that was not the case for a few other women I knew who quickly found their personal information being repeated by this lady. The moral of the story? Choose your friends carefully. Do you find yourself growing wiser and being encouraged or refreshed after a conversation, or do you walk away with an uneasy feeling? Or do you have to work so hard to refrain from joining in the gossip that you leave feeling exhausted? Just today one of my teen daughters commented on a current friend crisis, “Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between ‘the wounds of a friend and the kisses of an enemy’ (Prov. 27:6).” So true. But God will give us discernment if we ask. He wants us to experience fulfilling friendships. Proverbs 13:20 reminds us that, “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” It’s not just a verse to use with our kids. It applies at any age.
According to Proverbs, a good friend is loyal (17:17), reliable (20:6), and a rare treasure (18:24). Sounds good, but where do we begin to find such friends? Once again, the answer is probably something we’ve all told our kids: to get a friend you need to be a friend. And once again, the advice is applicable at any age. The idea is that we need to focus on being the kind of friend we would like to have. And sometimes we just plain have to work at it. For some reason, I have often been attracted to the somewhat “crusty” types, those women who are a little rough around the edges--the kind that can easily come off as abrasive. Perhaps I enjoy a little challenge now and then, I’m not sure. But I feel like I have discovered some diamonds in the rough that have made the “chiseling” well worth it. I have found some loyal friends and made friendships that have lasted for years. So it never ceases to amazes me when the people who rush out of church immediately after the closing hymn complain that they don’t have any friends in the congregation. Willingness to make the first step in reaching out to others in love is vital in building friendships.
I have also learned that the number of friends we have isn’t important unless we are trying to win a popularity contest or rack up our numbers on Facebook. In fact, Proverbs 18:24a warns that, “A man of many companions may come to ruin.” Not much good comes of trying to spread ourselves too thin or trying to please too many people. We probably don’t need more than a few close friends who are always ready to offer encouragement and wise counsel and help.
I wish I could say that I’m always a great friend. Truth is, I’m not. I don’t keep in contact like I should; I don’t think of an encouraging word until after the conversation; I don’t notice a need right in front of me. But the wonderful thing is I HAVE a friend who is the best, who’s always there—listening, caring, and giving wonderful counsel. He is the friend who sticks closer than a brother (Prov. 18:24). We have coffee together every morning and converse many times a day. He stays in contact. He always has an encouraging word. He knows my every need. His name is Jesus. And He’s there for you, too.
“Jesus! What a Friend for sinners! Jesus! Lover of my soul;
Friends may fail me, foes assail me, He, my Savior, makes me whole.
Hallelujah! What a Savior! Hallelujah! What a Friend!
Saving, helping, keeping, loving, He is with me to the end.”
--J. Wilbur Chapman
1859-1918
Wise or Otherwise? A Woman’s Walk Through Proverbs:
You and Your Work
Soul Break Guest Column (Fifth in a series of ten)
Scripture for the Day: “Go to the ant, O sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise.” Proverbs 6:6
By Hope Unverzagt; Cataract, WI
For RI Transcription Solutions
I am outright and unabashedly beginning this article with an advertisement. If you want to get Proverbs so imbedded in your memory that you can’t read through the book without getting a song stuck in your head, let me suggest Judy Rogers’ CD for children, Go to the Ant. It is a fantastic way to instill God’s wisdom from Proverbs into young and old hearts and minds through music. As I am sitting down to write, Judy’s folksy singing keeps running through my mind. That’s probably because I just listened to her on You Tube since our cassette of fifteen years is beginning to show signs of wear. I wish you could listen along with me to the singable melodies and thoughtful words of songs with titles such as: School of the Fool (Prov. 1:7), Seven Awful Things (Prov. 6:16 -19), Isabelle is a Pig (Prov. 11:22 ), and my personal favorite, Go to the Ant (Prov. 6:6-11).
I especially like the Go to the Ant song because I feel like I know a thing or two about ants. They come to visit me every summer. They are especially fond of my laundry room where I eventually end up setting out mini buffet tables of Terro for them. After feasting sumptuously, they leave until the next summer. Before the end-of-the-season buffet, though, they run around like crazy. Doing what? I have no idea. It certainly isn’t my laundry. But I never see an idle one; the little creatures are constantly moving. No one seems to be in charge, no one seems to be distracted, no one seems to be complaining. They are steady workers. I use them as an example for my children.
Proverbs has a lot to say about work…and the lack of it. Just picture the almost-humorous scene described in Proverbs 26:14-15: “As a door turns on its hinges, so does a sluggard on his bed. The sluggard buries his hand in the dish; it wears him out to bring it back to his mouth.” That is the ultimate in laziness! Most of us women can’t relate. As much as we might like to lie in bed all day, we can’t afford to -- too many people need us, and we have responsibilities galore. But just because we’re busy doesn’t mean there aren’t ways we can improve on our work, whether outside or inside the home. So let’s go to the ants.
First of all, ants don’t have a boss (6:7). Their motivation comes entirely from within. They see what needs to be done and do it (6:8), not trying to get by with as little effort as possible. Also, ants don’t appear to get distracted. They know winter is coming, and there is work to be done if they don’t want to starve to death. Distraction, or not-getting-around-to-it-because-there-are-other-things-I’d-rather-be doing, is very frustrating to deal with in other people. Proverbs 10:26 hits the nail on the head: “Like vinegar to the teeth and smoke to the eyes, so is the sluggard to those who send him.” Anyone who has ever sent off a child to fetch another, only to have him get distracted so that neither child returns, has experienced the “vinegar and smoke” effect. It’s annoying. To me, though, the most convicting lesson from the ants is in their attitudes about work. There is no complaining. No whining that others have less to do or get honored more. No grumbling about unfairness or working conditions. They have a single-minded focus – to just get the job done to the best of their ability. I wish I could say the same for myself. This past week as I faced septic system issues and the distinct possibility that we might have to use as little water as possible until spring thaw, my reaction was certainly not “ant-like.” I pictured myself hauling trailer loads of laundry to a laundromat every week, washing dishes in a large plastic tub so I could dump the water outside, and trying to monitor the flushing to twice a day. “I shouldn’t have to go through all this; there’s a reason I didn’t sign up to be Amish,” I murmured. To stave off the temptation to complain, I had to keep steering my thoughts back to Proverbs 3:5-6 in order to maintain perspective: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding…” And to quote myself in the van yesterday as I attempted to settle a seating dispute, “Life is not fair, and it doesn’t always go the way we want. We just do what we need to do.” I imagine the ants thinking the same thing as they busily rebuild their houses we so casually mess up when we sweep the driveway. In the midst of it all, others are watching us and our reactions. Even the way we go about our work can be a reflection of God to others.
A man from our church recently shared about getting his house re-roofed after a big wind storm last summer. He’d expected coarse language and beer cans from the workmen. Instead he got praise music and exemplary work. One by one he talked to the men and heard testimony after testimony of God’s saving grace. He was surprised and blessed. We may or may not have bosses telling us what to do, but we all have observers watching us in our work, taking note of our diligence and our attitude. Let’s leave them motivated by our example instead of wishing they could run for the ant poison.
Verse 2: Are you the thoughtful kind? Do you ever ask what you can do to help your mother?
Or do you complain and whine and you lie around and hope that she will ask your brother?
Well, there was a poor irresponsible sluggard who slept when there was work to be done.
But too late he realized his foolish behavior, and poverty hit him like a man with a gun. So…
Chorus 2: Go to the ant, O sluggard. See how she works all day.
And she doesn’t even have a captain to tell her what to do, but she works hard anyway.
Go to the ant and listen. Tell me does she complain?
God made her. Now you imitate her. Go to the ant.
Judy Rogers, 1989
Wise or Otherwise? A Woman’s Walk Through Proverbs:
You and Your Man
Soul Break Guest Column (Sixth in a series of ten)
Soul Break Guest Column (Sixth in a series of ten)
Scripture for the Day: “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband,…” Proverbs 12:4a
By Hope Unverzagt; Cataract, WI
For RI Transcription Solutions
It’s amazing how I can watch sports and yet have no clue what’s going on. You’d think through all these years of sitting by my husband’s side while he’s watching football and college hockey and basketball and golf and almost anything else involving a ball, I’d learn a thing or two. Turns out I’m incredibly good at tuning out what isn’t interesting to me. If I’m sitting there it’s only because I want to be with my man. There is one sport, though, I cannot tolerate – World Cup soccer. I don’t mind watching the guys run around on the field, and the basic concept is simple enough: kick the ball into the goal. It’s the Vuvazela horns I can’t stand. The plastic horns, blown by the fans, are part of a South African tradition and are meant to express joy, but the one-note droning that carries on throughout the entire game like a monotone soundtrack is likely to drive even the most tolerant crazy. After about five minutes of the continual discordant blaring, I have to leave the room. Give me yelling kids any day over those annoying horns. I imagine that the “continual dripping” referred to in Proverbs 27:15 is equally irritating. But in this case it comes from a quarrelsome wife.
There are many verses in Proverbs regarding marriage, mostly directed to a young man seeking a wife. They appear to come from an older, wiser man who has learned a thing or two from experience. So, by studying Proverbs, we women get a little peek into the mind of men and what they desire in a wife. The results are a bit surprising considering the fact appearance and cooking ability aren’t even so much as hinted at.
A few years ago I read an article that made an interesting observation:
“I’ve traveled to more than a dozen foreign countries, and in every one I’ve made an effort to ask a local male or two this question: ‘What is the most valuable and attractive attribute a woman can have in your culture?’ The answer has been consistent in every country, from orthodox Jews to dope-smoking backpackers, from tribal men in the bush to suited businessmen on their way to work. Without a pause they always answer: happy, cheerful, fun, joyful, smiling, good attitude, etc. The number-one rule of romance is obvious to me: BE HAPPY!”
(Anast, Rebekah. “Romance 101.” December 15, 2003 . www.nogreaterjoy.org)
Ms. Anast’s discovery is right in line with the following verses from Proverbs:
“It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful (some versions say nagging) woman.” Proverbs 21:19
“It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.” Proverbs 21:9 AND Proverbs 25:24 (in case we didn’t catch on the first time).
Obviously, a quarrelsome person isn’t a happy, fun person. To make sure I wasn’t missing some nuance of the word quarrelsome, I looked it up. I wasn’t. It is just as appealing as it sounds. A quarrelsome person is not only ready to quarrel, but belligerent as well. The word suggests pettiness and an inclination to argue, usually with annoying persistence. I try not to hang around people like that. And when my children start in? I, for one, would much rather be in a desert or on a housetop or at Caribou Coffee than be in such an unpleasant atmosphere. I can only imagine what our husbands think when we start in.
Marriage conferences can be good, learning better communication skills might be helpful, books on marriage may give deep insights, but sometimes the best marriage pick-me-up is as quick and easy as a change in attitude on the part of the wife. A smiling, happy wife can do wonders.
Gene and Reta set a great example of a happy marriage. After forty-some years I’m sure they could list plenty of irritations, but you would never know it by the way they enjoy each other’s company. I don’t think it’s Reta’s wonderful cooking and sewing abilities that make the difference either. I think her gentle joking with Gene, her pecks on his cheek (even in public), and the way she builds him up to others play a large part. I recently heard how Gene and Reta had gone mini-golfing to kill time between a wedding and the reception several hours later. They had been laughing and having so much fun they were almost late. That’s just the way they are. That’s why all of us at church have fun with them. That’s why we all admire their marriage.
Proverbs says that a good wife is a gift from the Lord (19:14 ), and an excellent wife is the crown of her husband. A crown is a symbol of blessing and honor; quarreling, complaining, and nagging are about as far from a blessing as you can get. And they are just as annoying as those Vuvazela horns. Let’s give our husbands something better than that. With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, let us determine that our biggest gift this year will be something our husband really wants, because a loving smile and a joyful attitude are worth far more than any chocolate heart.
Wise or Otherwise? A Woman’s Walk Through Proverbs:
You and Your Home
Soul Break Guest Column (Seventh in a series of ten)
February 9, 2012
Scripture for the Day: “Better a dry morsel with quiet than a house full of feasting with strife.” Proverbs 17:1
By Hope Unverzagt; Cataract, WI
For RI Transcription Solutions
I want to be like Duke Grandma. That lady definitely knew how to create a pleasant home atmosphere. I don’t recall candles, classical music, or gourmet food ever playing a part either. I DO remember the smell of wood smoke in the winter, big bowls of strawberries in the summer, and laughter and games year round.
Way back, when we had only young children, Duke Grandpa and Grandma’s was one of our favorite places to visit. The children called their great-grandparents “Duke” after their big German Shepherd dog. (All of their dogs had been named Duke—easier to remember that way, Grandpa said.) Their huge garden produced wonderful Black Diamond watermelons, and the lake they lived on provided not only swimming fun but bountiful sunfish, which we ate until we were stuffed. They loved to have us visit and weren’t in the least overwhelmed or stressed by having lots of little kids running around disturbing their peace and quiet. In fact, they seemed to thrive on the hustle and bustle. For a busy mom it was an unusually relaxing place to visit. They weren’t concerned about children touching things in their home. There was always good-natured joking, encouraging conversations, prompts to “go ahead and take a little nap,” and down-to-earth food. Duke Grandma’s homemade white bread with jam, cinnamon rolls, fry bread tacos, and even macaroni salad with tuna, peas, and chunks of cheese -- which wouldn’t have been anything special anyplace else -- tasted incredible out on the sun porch. I think that was because it was served up with a huge side dish of “pleasant atmosphere.”
Proverbs 15:17 says, “Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a fattened ox and hatred with it.” I don’t know about you, but I can almost feel the tension surrounding that filet mignon. Proverbs 17:1 states the same thought a slightly different way, “Better a dry morsel with quiet than a house full of feasting with strife.” In other words, a pleasant, peaceful atmosphere is far more important than whatever ritzy foods grace the dining room table.
How interesting that Proverbs uses a food analogy to make this point since we women are the ones who generally plan and prepare the food in our homes, and we are, in large part, the atmosphere-setters as well. I think we ought to take special note of these verses, remembering that it’s not only guests we want to feel comfortable and relaxed, it’s our own families, too.
Recently I heard opposing reports from two of my children after they visited in two different homes: “It was such a fun visit. We sat in the living room having coffee and talking, and I even dozed on the couch. It was so relaxing and cozy.” And the other: “The food was good, but the parents bickered the whole time. And the mom was impatient and kept nagging the kids.” Which left the bigger impression—the menu or the atmosphere?! Even kids sense it.
Consider your home. Could it use a little atmosphere adjustment? I’m not talking an aromatherapy candle here, an Enya CD there. I’m talking major atmospheric surgery. Is there dissension between people? Is there a frantic pace due to over-scheduling that leaves everyone irritable? Is there an imbalanced emphasis on material possessions propagating self-centeredness? It all comes down to this: God desires that your home be a place where He is allowed to shine through, that it would be a place of love and joy where people smile, talk kindly to each other, and build each other up. “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones” (Prov. 17:22); “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches“ (24:3-4). We are all about wisdom these ten weeks. And that’s exactly where the house-building and atmosphere-building start.
Remember the old Sunday School song, The Wise Man and the Foolish Man? In case you don’t, let me fill you in. The foolish man built his house upon the sand, and when the rains came, the house on the sand went SMASH (loud yell and hand clap here). But the wise man built his house upon the rock, and when the rains came, the house stood firm (taken from Matt. 7:24-27). The rock is Jesus. He is the only sure foundation. People who are living lives pleasing to the Lord will have homes that show it. But every so often a home inspection is in order. Bad habits and bad attitudes have a way of creeping in unnoticed and making themselves at home, just like mice in the fall, and just as disgusting. Proverbs 14:1 says: “The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.” None of us want to be that woman—destroying her own home. The Lord gives wisdom generously when we ask. He can open our eyes to areas of our home that need attention and then lead us in how to reinstate, or perhaps implement, an atmosphere that reflects Him and is pleasant for all.
Duke Grandma is gone now and so is her house. We miss our visits there. But her example wasn’t lost on us. We have been intentional in trying to make our home one that others would want to visit and would find relaxing while they are here. We’ve even learned how to make her cinnamon rolls and fry bread tacos. Still working on the macaroni tuna salad, though.
Wise or Otherwise? A Woman’s Walk Through Proverbs:
You and Your Strength
Soul Break Guest Column (Eighth in a series of ten)
February 16, 2012
Scripture for the Day: “Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” Proverbs 16:32
By Hope Unverzagt; Cataract, WI
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When the topic of self-control comes up, I groan inwardly. My mind immediately jumps to thoughts of exercise…and my lack of it. I must admit that running around picking up the house and chasing after kids is the extent of my exercise regimen. Probably as those little ones get older I will need to consider joining a fitness club or at least taking walks regularly if I don’t want to get bigger right along with them, but for now I feel fairly in shape. Sometimes I’m reminded just how much I’m not, though.
Last Friday at 4-H I lead the little Cloverbud class in a singing time before they headed off to make valentines. I wanted the kids to sing several action songs before they needed to sit still, so we sang a couple songs where we squatted on the floor and slowly grew up as we reached toward the ceiling and then back down again. Cute songs, but the burn in my thighs which lasted all through the next day sure wasn’t. How pathetic. At least the aching muscles didn’t affect anyone but me.
The book of Proverbs has a surprising number of verses on self-control, not in the area of physical exercise or even diet, but dealing with something far more serious because it also affects other people — anger. We may call it by different names: frustration, irritation, being annoyed, or even being in a bad mood, but it often boils down to the same thing. And it’s almost always self-centered. When we give in to anger we focus on ourselves – how someone has hurt us, made extra work for us, made us look bad, cost us money – instead of focusing on other people’s welfare and our testimony for God. Internationally-known speaker S.M.Davis, pastor of Park Meadows Baptist Church , Lincoln , IL
“Probably the number one thing that is spiritually killing the children in Bible-believing homes and churches is the anger of one or both of the parents. Anger also destroys the oneness between a husband and wife. Many parents think their wrath is justified by their children’s disobedience and rebellion. It is more likely that the rebellion is caused and escalated by the anger. Your anger isn’t caused by what is outside you; it is caused by what is happening inside you. Anger usually comes from either pride or tension from unresolved guilt.”
Anger is not something to take lightly or excuse away, like many other bad habits. God certainly doesn’t. It’s far too serious. Interestingly, I have noticed there are situations in which anger seems to be accepted. But I don’t believe God would make biblical principles apply in some situations while not in others. For example, the practice of yelling angrily at one’s children seems to be generally accepted, judging by the number of moms who have admitted to me they do it. Of course, they wish they didn’t, it would be better if they could stop, but it’s hard to change old habits. True. James 1:20 gives a good reason to try, though: “The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” That’s a 100% failure rate. So using anger to get good results is damaging and completely ineffective.
Anger also seems to be accepted in the area of sports. A few years ago we attended a local high school football game. We enjoyed the pleasant fall evening as we sat high up in the bleachers with some friends. But partway through the game a commotion below caught my attention. It was a coach screaming and swearing at a player. I was horrified. What was even more appalling was that no one tried to stop the verbally out-of-control coach. The rest of the evening was ruined, and I knew that in good conscience I could not let the incident go. I wrote to the high school the first and only letter of its kind I’ve ever written. “We want our area educators to be self-controlled, exemplary role models teaching, training, and building up our youth.” Instead we witnessed an attempt to destroy a young man. Proverbs 12:18 likens our angry words to sword thrusts. Deadly indeed.
God doesn’t want us to practice self-centered anger in any form or any situation. So how do we begin to gain better control of our anger? It all starts with an exercise program that requires daily practice, and most assuredly God will provide us ample opportunity to do so.
First of all, find an appropriate environment in which to exercise. Just as it is difficult to do aerobics in a living room with couches, coffee table, and piano in the way, it’s difficult to practice self-control over anger while hanging out with angry friends. Bad attitudes are contagious. “Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man. Lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.” (Prov. 22:24-25) It might be necessary to find some new friends.
Next, start with warm-up stretches, such as the simple yet effective one found in Proverbs 15:1: “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Soft, calm words can deflect anger in someone else as well as within ourselves. Michelle Duggar, mom of nineteen children on TLC’s 19 Kids and Counting, says that learning to speak quietly was the beginning of a whole new level of child training for her. “I learned the value of a soft voice.” Learning to control our volume will make the real exercise easier.
Just what is the real workout? Responding with wisdom and gentleness in every situation. That’s the goal. Easy? Probably not. Worth it? Definitely. In order to see results, the whole effort needs to be bathed in prayer. God delights in answering prayers for wisdom, understanding, discernment, and self-control. And as we gain wisdom we will also learn to overlook those unimportant matters that aren’t worth getting worked up over: “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense” (Prov. 19:11).He wants our focus to be on Him and His power, not our own measly strength that disappoints us again and again. He is the ultimate personal trainer.
Physical exercise may be of some value, but it’s nothing compared to that of learning self-control over our anger. That’s how to become a real woman of strength – toned and beautiful.
Wise or Otherwise? A Woman’s Walk Through Proverbs:
You and Your Children
Soul Break Guest Column (Ninth in a series of ten)
February 23, 2012
Scripture for the Day: “My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes observe my ways.” Proverbs 23:26
By Hope Unverzagt; Cataract, WI
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It seems that most women have an area of weakness when it comes to shopping. For some it’s shoes. For some it’s make-up. For others it’s the latest cooking gadgets. For me it’s books. Even though I have plenty, when there is a local used book sale, you will find me with sleeves rolled up, digging away through the piles looking for treasures. I just can’t help myself.
About five years ago we built library-style shelving in our schoolroom – the floor to ceiling type with book access on both sides. It provided abundant space for our books. I even had several empty shelves at first. It was amazing. It was equally amazing to see how many books I accumulated over the next few years. Before I knew it my shelves were lined two-deep and it was time to clean out.
I started by forcing myself to consider whether or not I would ever re-read some of my books. If not, they had to go. All the Scandinavian history books I’d read for my college minor went in the Goodwill box. Honestly, would I ever choose to re-read an Icelandic saga? Probably not. And just how many English handbooks does it take to keep our family on the straight and narrow in our apostrophe usage? One should do it. My “To Go” piles grew, and I felt a sense of accomplishment as I began to see my shelves again. Then I came to the child training section. I hesitated briefly, then plopped a good many books in the box, leaving behind only a handful of the most practical sort. Twenty-two years and eleven children into my parenting career, I had already spent considerable time weighing the guidance of many counselors (as Proverbs 11:14 recommends) and had taken prolific mental notes while observing other parents. It was time to let the books go. Over the years I had come to two important conclusions about raising children.
First of all, if you don’t win the hearts of your children, everything you do will be in vain. Think about yourself for a moment. Which boss would you rather work for – the boss who is demanding, harsh, and critical of your work and only talks to you when necessary, or the boss who encourages you, builds you up, and praises you to others? Who would you rather spend time with? Someone who points out your faults and acts like they would rather be someplace else, or someone who thinks you’re the greatest, laughs at your jokes, and can’t wait to spend more time with you? Our children would answer no differently than we would. After observing many families with wayward teens, I’m convinced a big part of the problem generally lies in this area. A parent who doesn’t have a strong relationship with their child also does not have much influence. We need to be willing to do what it takes to build relationships even if it means sacrifice on our part. Like sacrificing sleep by staying up late to hang out and talk. Or sacrificing time by reading aloud The Hobbit in its entirety to two preteen boys, even though we would much prefer another genre of literature. Or sacrificing money to take a child on a coffee date (you’d think the local coffee shop was an amusement park if you saw how excited my kids get about going there). When moms share with me their frustrations with a child I often ask, “Do you ever have fun with that child, like an activity where you both laugh, have good conversation, and a great time together?” The answer is generally no. I encourage them to give it a try. Not one of us can resist someone who thinks we’re the greatest and who loves to be with us. And the better the relationship, the better the behavior, and the more impact the parent can have.
Of course, it is our job as parents to teach and train our children to be obedient, responsible, and respectful (and there are many books on those subjects, as my bookshelves attested to), but we tread into dangerous territory when we try to shape their behavior without trying to build relationships. Reb Bradley of Family Ministries in his CD series Influencing Children’s Hearts says: “There is a great difference between intimidating children into subjection and winning their hearts into submission. Intimidating children into subjection merely gains outward compliance. Having their heart means gaining greater opportunity to influence their values.”
The second conclusion I’ve come to in regard to parenting is that success is not achieved primarily by what we do, as much as we would like to think that. I once read a story about Romanian Pastor Richard Wurmbrand, author of Tortured for Christ. After speaking at a newly planted church he had a question and answer session. One person asked, “What do we need to do to make sure our church stays on the right track?” “I don’t know the answer,” Pastor Wurmbrand answered. Another person asked, “What do we need to do to make sure America doesn’t face the kind of persecution you faced in Romania
Even if you don’t have children of your own, or your children are grown, you can have a huge impact on the children around you by being their friend, listening to them, having fun with them, and setting for them an example of a vibrant walk with the Lord. The children will love you, and their parents will thank you for being extensions of their parenting. Everyone involved will be blessed.
Books are great. Parenting books can be helpful. But like King Solomon said, “…excessive devotion to books is wearying to the body” Ecc. 12:12. Maybe it’s time to clear off the shelves and go to The Book to see what He says. He knows our children far better than we do. His love is for them is even greater than ours. He is the perfect parent. And He promises to walk by our side as we undertake the incredible assignment of raising children.
Wise or Otherwise? A Woman’s Walk
Through Proverbs:
You and P31
Soul Break Guest Column
(Tenth in a series of ten)
Scripture of the Day: “Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she
laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching
of kindness is on her tongue.” Proverbs 31:25-26
By Hope Unverzagt; Cataract, WI
For RI Transcription Solutions
As our journey through
Proverbs draws to a close, we bump into an important lady, Mrs. Proverbs 31.
She’s one of my favorite biblical characters in spite of the fact she’s not a real
person. She’s a description given by a mother to her son. “Son, an excellent
wife is like finding a treasure. Let me tell you what you need to look for,”
says Mom. Then for twenty-one verses she describes a virtuous woman. Last
summer I had an up-close and personal encounter with the Proverbs 31 woman, or
P31, as I like to call her.
In July my husband and six
oldest children all headed off to Colorado
My 24-hour vacation began by
my using all the gift cards I had accumulated over the past year. I got a
pedicure at the salon, some new summer clothes at the mall, and a one-pound bag
of my favorite coffee blend at Caribou. Then, for the first time ever, I spent
a night all alone in our big, old house, which I discovered is noisy even
without children in it. Eventually I fell asleep and awoke to big plans for the
next day. Fully intending to take advantage of my time alone by doing some
organizing and filing, I started in on my projects. But that idea quickly
changed when the UPS man arrived with the book and music I’d ordered. I forgot about
trying to get ahead in life as my free day suddenly became an all-out retreat
for me. I read, played the piano, and
spent a lengthy and meaningful time in God’s Word. It was during that time of
devotions that I was particularly drawn to two verses which kept running
through my mind, not only throughout that entire day but for weeks and months
afterward. I eventually had one of my daughters print them up for me over a
picture of the Pantheon she had taken while she was in Rome
“Strength and dignity are
her clothing, and she smiles at the future. She opens her mouth in wisdom, and
the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.” Proverbs 31:25-26.
I imagine that a woman
clothed with strength and dignity is a woman who doesn’t crumple easily. She
isn’t frantic, stressed, yelling, or in a tizzy. She isn’t easily offended and
doesn’t talk excessively. She’s tough, yet gentle and kind. She’s beautiful,
yet strong, just like the stately pillars of the Pantheon on my picture. She
laughs at the future, welcoming it instead of dreading it or worrying about it.
She knows where her strength comes from (Is. 41:10), and that gives her freedom
and joy today which isn’t overshadowed by thoughts of the difficulties which
might come tomorrow. When P31 opens her mouth, words of wisdom burst forth. Not
complaints, not gossip, not criticism, but blessings for everyone around. She
teaches and encourages with kindness instead of harshness. She is a pleasure to
be around and most certainly attracts people by her lovely demeanor. Oh, how I
desire to be like P31. And what a wonderful way to close out the book of
Proverbs.
I believe I got as much out
of my own little 24-hour retreat as my family did at their convention. I ended
my day not only with renewed respect for my brother-in-law and sister-in-law,
but challenged and refreshed as well. Spending time alone in God’s word is like
that. We end up changed a little bit every time we have an encounter with Him.
The intro to the book of
Proverbs in my ESV Bible says: “The goal of the book is…to instill ‘wisdom’ in
God’s people, a wisdom that is founded in the ‘fear of the Lord’ and that
enables the believer to express his or her faith in the practical details of
everyday situations and relationships.” That’s
my goal, my desire, too -- that the themes we have covered over the past ten
weeks would manifest themselves in my life in a way that brings glory to God
and blessing to others. It is my prayer, ladies, that you also have been
challenged in many areas of your lives to seek the Lord and His wisdom, even in
the little things.
Our walk through Proverbs
has been a joy. Blessings to you as you seek to live a life of wisdom.
